KiniP & Menomegirl

Burning Imprints

Authors: KiniP & Menomegirl
Disclaimer: Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, Fox, etc, etc…own them all.
We're just smutting them up for fun.
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: None…yet. Will be A/L.
Warnings: None…yet.
Feedback: Please! You can feed the muses at powerscin@yahoo.com
and/or ilikebuffy101@yahoo.com
Author's notes: This is a WIP

Summary: A debt gets paid.

~~~~~~~~~~
Prologue: -

*Debt: Paid in Full*

She was rushing, she knew that, but time wasn't in her favor here.
In between the chaotic thoughts of Wesley and almost regrets about
the choices she'd made, not to mention the fact that she would
probably be dead soon, Lilah had discovered something within herself
she hadn't known she still possessed.

A sense of honor. There was a debt she felt she owed, and with the
events of the day, she was desperate to repay it. The Beast had
targeted Wolfram & Hart, for some obscure reason, unknown to anyone.
She had found out everyone working for the firm in the LA branch was
dead. Except her......but yet, there was still one other who was
tied to the LA branch.

He'd saved her life once. It was surprising to her, in these
devastating circumstances, that all she could think of first was
that she had to try and save his. She hadn't loved him, hadn't even
liked him.....but he'd found a way for them both to beat the system.
It was time to repay him.

She swiftly cast the spell, hoping she'd read him right, in this one
instance. If she was wrong, well.....it didn't matter much, she
doubted she'd be here to see the show, anyway. As the last of the
magic dissipated, she lost consciousness. She had no way of knowing
that her casting had been observed by unseen entities.

She awoke some time later, weakened, tired, dazed. She got rid of
what evidence remained of the casting, picked up a crowbar, and left
to confront the Scourge of Europe.

Her last thought as she left was that she hoped she was right, that
it wasn't just hate that had drawn enemies to each other in the
past, cause if it was, Lilah Morgan had just created one hell of a
mess for someone else to fix.

Chapter 1 ––

*Innocent Dreams*

Angel was tossing and turning in his bed. The dream was always the
same. Angel watched as Angelus grabbed a young man and rammed his
hard, cold cock into a soft, fiery heat. "Holy Hell, you're tight.
And here I thought you'd be used to this by now, given who you
worked for. Tell me, *lover*, did my big bad just pop your cherry?"
Laughing sadistically, Angelus pulled back until just the tip was
still inside then leaned over to whisper in the man's ear. "Fucked
up thing we have here, ain't it? One minute, you're all about the
pain, wanting it, wanting Angel to give it to you. And he won't, but
instead he gave it to *her*. Got to hand it to him though, I didn't
think he had it in him –––– especially after the whole slayer shit
went down. Oh well, I may not be *who* you want, but here I am boy,
and more than willing to give you *what* you want although now you
don't seem to want it anymore. Guess what…*too fucking bad!!*"
Angelus slammed back into the body, ignoring the young man's pleas
begging him to stop.

Angel could smell the blood, the fear, the rage all coming from the
boy and all heavily laced with the scent of arousal from the body
under him. The fact that the smell was familiar and that he couldn't
place it irritated the hell out of Angel along with the other fact
that Angelus seemed to know the boy moving beneath him.

*"Who is it, you fucking sadistic bastard?"*

"You know him, *Angel.* You smell him. And *you* should know his
scent better than anyone. I know it. I kept waiting for you to
recognize it. The want, the desire, the need for you. It was all
there. Hell, it still is. But you ignored it and now…………now *I'm*
going to step in, give him what he wants."

*"No, don't do it!"*

Hearing the distressed moans underneath him just excited the demon
more and Angelus drove harder and harder. "Watch this Angel, I'm
gonna make him mine now." Then he leaned down and buried his fangs
into the man's tender neck.

Then blood. Angel felt the hot blood flowing into his mouth,
flooding his senses, he felt it as it pushed Angelus over the edge
and he came, flooding the tight ass with icy cold semen.

The dream was always the same, always ending before he could say
whether or not he killed the young man. He didn't *feel* like he
killed him so could it be that Angelus turned him? Maybe only marked
him? *Surely Angelus wouldn't have claimed him, would he? Never been
his style, but...........*

The dream was always the same, only this time it came with a twist.
This time he saw the man's face.

Angel awoke with a startled jerk. "Lindsey?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lindsey McDonald…………you're one twisted fucker, you know that?
Staring at yourself in the mirror, trying to figure out why you keep
dreaming about a former enemy of yours. If they were only bad
dreams, you'd have no problem. It's not as if you've *had* a decent
night's sleep in years, anyway. But they aren't. Fuck! I think I may
need therapy. Why else would I have wet dreams about Angel? Dreams
about making love, dreams more erotic than any I've ever had before,
involving things I've never done, things I'm damn near positive I've
never thought about, and about pain....I mean, Christ on a crutch,
what the hell is that about?!? Dreams that involve my eternal death.
Dreams about a vampire I despise. I mean, here I am, dreaming about
the sanctimonious bastard.......I can't believe it. Cannot fucking
believe it!!

It's been going on for a month now. I'm at the end of my damn rope.
Can't take it any more. I'm torn between throwing up or jerking off.
Cause I've done both, and it ain't helping none. My imagination is
going wild with all of this, and I feel like I can't breathe. I feel
this.....hunger....I've never known inside me. Wonder if that
qualifies as caught between a rock and a hard place? (Oh, that's
funny, Lindsey boy...really funny.) I'm totally pissed off
because...I just wanna forget I ever even heard his name. I wanna
forget about evil law firms, backstabbing co-workers, and being
maneuvered like a piece on a chessboard. I want my life back,
goddammit! But every day, I look in the mirror.....and every day, I
hate myself. I can't forget....but I don't want to remember, either.

I don't *want* to want him.

Well, shit.....let's be honest while I'm looking at myself and no
one else is here. It's not as if the mind readers can fuck with me
here. Who's gonna know if I *seriously* thought about Angel for just
a few minutes? No.....fucking.....body, that's who. I believe I can
be honest with myself. Okay....here goes......Do I want Angel? Do I
want to make love with him? Do I want him to touch me, taste me,
take me, own me, do all the nasty things I keep dreaming? Let's have
a moment of silence while I think on that.....

Oh, fuck me!......I *know* I didn't just get hard thinking about
that! Crap....now I have to take another damn cold shower....I'm
sick of this shit. Something's gotta give. This is freaking me out.
Why is this happening to me, huh? Cause you know, I'm so not into
pain....and, in a way, Angel is the very definition of the word. So,
what does that say about me, that I come from dreaming he drains the
blood from my body, while fucking me until I can't move? What's
wrong with me? Damn, that's cold!

I need a drink.

*I need Angel.*

Make that several drinks.

*God, I'm just so damn screwed. The shit just NEVER ends.*

Maybe my brain'll stop working overtime.

*I wish.*

Maybe my body will behave itself.

*Yeah......and maybe the moon really is made out of cheese. You
think?*

Chapter 2

Deep Inside-

Angel stood at the window of his fifteenth floor offices at Wolfram
& Hart and stared unseeingly at the view laid out before him. He was
tired. Dead tired. He was afraid to sleep, afraid of the dreams,
especially now. Now the dream had a face, a face he had hoped to
never see again. //What the hell is going on? Are they trying to
tell me something? And Angelus? And Lindsey? How do they fit in? And
what did Angelus mean when he said Lindsey wanted –– no *needed* me?
Shit. I need to eat. I need to sleep. I need to forget all this. It
was just a fucking dream, for fuck's sake. Taking over this firm is
seriously messing with me. Yeah, that's it. *All this shit started
when I came here.*// So deep in thought was he that he never heard
the door open and close, nor did he hear the footsteps that brought
the visitor up to stand beside him.

"Beautiful view isn't it?" the man asked.

Angel started and dropped the file that he had been
holding. "Wesley! How long have you been here?" Angel bent down to
retrieve the file and the papers scattered around it.

"Just walked in…… Are you okay?" Wesley asked as he bent down to
help. He picked up the red file folder and read the name on the
label. *Lindsey McDonald* He stood up and waited as Angel gathered
the rest of the loose papers and drew up to stand beside him.

Angel took the file from Wesley's hands and shoved the papers inside
and threw the file onto the desk, then turned back to the
window. "I'm fine, Wesley, was there something you needed?"

"No. I was just checking in. Although when I was looking through
some research material, I came across a file which contained a spell
which sounded rather interesting but…….. Angel, are you sure you're
okay? You look a little……tired." Wesley asked, watching closely.

"I am tired, Wes. There's so much to go through, and the more I
read, the more I feel like I am getting nowhere. I guess I'm not
sleeping much."" Angel said, rubbing his hands over his face.

"That's understandable." Wesley glanced over at the file on Angel's
desk. "So, are you going to go look for him?"

Angel turned and looked at Wesley "Look for whom?" he asked.

"Lindsey?" Wesley replied.

"Why would I look for Lindsey? After all, I was the one who told him
to leave and not come back. He seemed to be okay with that……"
Angel's voice drifted off as he again turned back to the window.

"Do you ever think about him? Especially now, being here in this
place." Wesley motioned to the opulent office around him. Something
was bothering Angel and he would bet his Wolfram & Hart paycheck
that it had a lot if not all to do with the errant lawyer and quite
possibly the spell he'd found.

Angel whirled around to stare at the ex-watcher. "And what would I
think about him, Wesley?"

"Oh, I don't know, like maybe you wonder where he is. If he's safe."

``Pffttt'' Angel snorted. "If he's even still alive? Who knows, Wes,
maybe Wolfram & Hart met him on his way out of town and terminated
his contract. That would be something, wouldn't it? Finally a reason
for me to feel guilty about Lindsey McDonald." He turned back to the
window, "As if the dreams weren't enough."

"Dreams? What dreams?" Wesley asked.

*Shit. Smooth, Angel. Anything else you didn't want anyone else to
know?* Angel turned and looked at his friend. "Nothing. Did I hear
you mention something about a spell you found?"

"Do you *miss* him?" Wesley prodded.

Angel turned to the window again and smiled, more to himself than
for Wesley's benefit and continued to stare through the glass. *Do I
miss him? Do I miss having to watch over my shoulder to see where
the next attack is going to come from? Do I miss watching those
incredible blue eyes change shades when the man got angry, or happy,
or.....aroused? Do I miss looking at those full lips , wondering
what they would feel like under my own? Would they be rough and cool
or soft and invitingly warm? Do I miss Lindsey? Well.....fuck. I
blame it on the dreams.*

Angel sighed inwardly and decided that some things were better left
alone, and *this* was one of them. "I admit that I got curious when
I ran across his file, but that's about all. Other than that, I
haven't thought about him since he left. I don't know where he is
and I really don't care. I have enough to worry about right here in
LA right now."

"And if I told you that the odds are good that he's alive……and maybe
even headed this way? Lord knows, we could use him to help us make
sense of all this sh-stuff." Wesley said.

"I'd tell you that I hope he is alive, but as for Lindsey coming
back here? I hope not. Right now the last thing I need is Lindsey
McDonald back here……" *First thing I want.* "Last thing I need."

Angel turned away from the window and went back over to his desk. He
picked up Lindsey's file and put it in a bottom drawer. *There. Out
of sight, out of mind. Moving on.* Looking up at Wesley, he smiled
at his friend, "I'm tired Wes. Is there anything that can't wait
until tomorrow? I think I am going to head off to bed now."

"Okay then, `til tomorrow. Is there anything I could do to ease your
workload?" Wesley decided the spell could wait until tomorrow. And
it was obvious Angel didn't want to talk about Lindsey, so better to
leave it at that.

Angel turned to his friend and smiled. "Not really, although I do
appreciate your offer. It's late. You go home, too. I'll call you if
I need you."

"All right, then. Good night." Wesley turned and headed for the door.

"Good night and Wes, be careful." Angel said to the man's retreating
back. He watched as Wesley shut the door behind him and went back to
the window. *Do I miss Lindsey? Yeah, I miss him. I miss him alot.*
Angel reached out with a hand and touched the cool glass…….

CHAPTER 3

"Wants"

Lindsey sat on the sofa contemplating the bourbon in his glass. He'd
been doing the same thing every night for a solid month. He was
sitting here, slowly getting a little drunk, trying to understand
this...*thing*...he had for Angel. His mind was stuck on the
vampire, and no matter how hard he worked, the images just refused
to dissipate. It was arousing to the extreme, and often embarrassing
to boot. It was getting extremely difficult to concentrate on his
duties at the firm, when he had a full-blown raging hard on all damn
day. He was beyond desperate.......and just *when* had it started,
anyway? Had he been in denial all this time? Or had he been trying
to block it all out?

Going to the bar to refill his glass, Lindsey thought//Attracted to
my worst enemy. What a nightmare. Yeah, I'm was twisted, all right.
I just never realized how much before. Shit, I'm just.....I'm ate up
with the dumbass, that's what. Always wanting what I can't have.
Needing what I know can never be. But that's fair, right? What else
do I deserve, after the things I''ve done?//

Just think: *Angel.* How fucked up was that?

Lindsey sat back down on the sofa, sipping the bourbon, and forced
himself to remember what he could. Found it was everything. Every
touch, every word, every pain. The first time he'd seen Angel. Those
soulful brown eyes staring into his in a courtroom. Every gesture
the man had ever made in Lindsey's presence. Every threat he'd
uttered in that smooth voice. Every time Angel had kicked his ass.
Oh, yeah...how about being nearly strangled....how about the
garrote? What about having his hand cut off? And what about having
his life saved? And oh, let's not forget the temper tantrum I had
when he did that.//Am I drunk? Yeah, a little.//

Lindsey closed his eyes as he reached the final analysis. Whenever
he'd been within Angel's presence, he had been in an aroused state.
Even worse, the danger of the vampire called to his senses more than
anything else ever had. Lindsey was a sensualist. He liked pleasure.
He liked to kiss, and he knew how. He liked to fuck until he
couldn't move, couldn't think, couldn't hardly breathe. He was all
about touching, feeling, smelling, tasting. He lost himself in
passion, he always had. But he'd never considered another man in
this way until now and the thought of Angel along those lines had
him harder than Lindsey could ever recall.

A strange thing it was, too. Lindsey didn't get off on pain. He
never had, before Angel. But, hell....it was time to tell the
truth.....and take it like a man. That pain in the ass, screw up
your whole world, make-you-so-damn-angry-you-lose-your-fucking-mind
Angel had come along, put those hands of his on him, and Lindsey's
body had just fucking turned on him, becoming one big mass of fuck
me-hurt me-use me-Angel slut. That's the truth, as much as it pained
him to admit it. Was it because the vampire had knocked him around
so much he'd gotten to like it? Why was that? It was almost, as if,
some sort of fusion happened between them...as if some mystical
connection bound them.

Lindsey didn't understand it, didn't like it and it was pissing him
off. He swallowed the remaining bourbon, faintly disgusted with
himself. This fascination with vampires...or vampire as the case may
be....was just that. Fascination. That's all it was. It had nothing
to do with fate or destiny or any fucking Wolfram & Hart mumbo
jumbo. He'd left all that shit behind in LA. He was done. Finished.

He sighed. If only the dreams would go away or he wasn't so damn
turned on by the whole thing. If only he didn't get hard at the mere
thought of Angel vamping out. If only his body would act like his
mind wanted it to......or his neck hadn't become so
sensitive......or if he didn't want to know what it would really be
like, being with Angel, having him inside, moving with him in
rhythm....and Lindsey was just drunk enough to admit to himself that
he did want those things. Why be anything but honest about it now?
Cause, damn...*Angel*....shit, anyway you looked at it, he was
pretty much fucked.

So, what to do? Lindsey had left LA behind, but discovered it wasn't
as far away as he'd imagined. And this may be new to him, but
ignoring it damn sure wouldn't make it go away. He decided to, at
the very least, make a phone call. Perhaps, if he heard his voice,
he'd find out all this was a figment of his fevered imagination. He
was just tipsy enough to do it, too.

He picked up the phone, knowing the call couldn't be traced back to
him, his heart rate speeding up, arousal shooting up a notch, and
dialed the number he had so many times before. This time, he
wouldn't hang up before someone answered. The phone rang, and he
knew the call had been transferred elsewhere. But he was stumped
when he heard, "Wolfram & Hart. How may I direct your call?"

"Uh...I must have dialed the wrong number," he said. "I was trying
to reach another party."

"Were you trying Angel Investigations? If so, you have reached the
correct number. How may I direct your call?"

*uh.....what the fuck???*

"I'd like to speak to Angel, if I may?" Lindsey said.

"May I ask who is calling?" The irritating voice asked.

Lindsey said, "Just put Angel on the line."

He was afraid of what was happening. He was exhilarated at the same
time.

"Please stay on the line while I direct your call," the woman said
in a slightly huffy manner.

Lindsey felt the exotic, skin crawling sensation begin that he'd
always felt when he'd known contact with Angel. And he could feel
the flush of heat that rushed through his body at the mere thought
of hearing Angel's voice in his ear. Something so mundane, so common
as a phone call was turning him inside out, and when had he become
that fucking enamored with the man?

Then he heard the voice, his voice saying, "This is Angel."

It sent a shiver down Lindsey's spine.//So arrogant, so menacing,
and I'll admit it, so damn sexy.// He felt a smile break out on his
face at the sound of the vampire's voice, realized how very much
he'd missed hearing it.//You stupid shit! Are you totally drunk? No,
I'm not. Shut the fuck up. Oh, God, I'm losing it.//

*What can I say? I want.*

Chapter 4

"Inevitable"

Angel

*"Enjoyin' the view?" he says casually as he saunters in. I turn to
see the subject of my now daily dreams walking into the room. That
swagger of his, that soft sexy drawl, those damn blue eyes, those
full lips that just beg to be kissed, even his eyebrows....the sight
of him heightens my senses like no creature ever has before. I want
him with a passion unmatched in my entire existence.*

*Yet, I don't want him to be here. I want him gone, just like I
planned. If he's gone, I won't be tempted. If he's gone, I won't
burn inside for things I know cannot be. I don't want to feel the
heat that he carries with him, or know again the Lindsey smell
that's etched into every cell of my body, dead though it may be. And
if he's not here, then my conscience won't scream out that we
wronged each other, we hate each other, we used each other, and we
tried to kill each other.*

*I want him gone from here so he'll never know the despair I felt
when he drove away. I don't want him to know about the emptiness
that followed. No one knows. After the debacle with my sire, I
spared my friends and co-workers the hell I lived through after
Lindsey left LA. I suffered in silence, brooded in secrecy, and
damned the Powers with all my heart.*

*I wanted him to leave and never come back. That way he'd at least
have some chance at a normal life. I had given her the same chance.
Why didn't he take it?*

*"Lindsey, what are you doing here? Is this your idea of leaving
town and never coming back?" I ask with a small half-smile, not
moving, not welcoming him. Challenging him.*

*I watch him as he comes up to stand beside me, close enough so I
can feel the heat coming off of him in waves, warming me, and
enveloping me in his scent, and all the while that little secretive
smile that knows more than it says keeps dancing on his mouth. His
eyes, intense, alive. "C'mon, you knew I'd be back some day, Angel."*

*"Why now? What do you want?" I ask.*

*"I'm hoping that you want the same thing I want." He says. He's so
close and I want so bad to reach over to touch him but I'm afraid,
I'm afraid that if I do –– he'll disappear.*

*"And what would that be, Lindsey?" I pull back and wait for his
answer.*

Instead, a soft, eerie sound breaks the silence.

*rrring*

I snap out of my thoughts, violently catapulted back into reality,
and it takes me another moment to connect this sound to my phone.

*Lindsey's gone.*

Dazed by the afterglow of my intense fantasy I blink a couple of
times until I am able to react and my nervous system works again. I
walk over to the desk and hit the button for the speaker
phone, "Yeah?"

"You have a call on line 2." Harmony's voice came back in her ever
present whine.

"And?" I ask.

"And what? You have a call on line 2." Harmony said, voice now laced
with exasperation.

"Harmony, Who is it?" I ask, trying to keep a level tone.

"Oh. He wouldn't say. He just said ``put Angel on the phone''. Do
you want me to ask again?" She asked.

"Never mind." I hung up on her and hit the blinking button.

"This is Angel." I said.

"Miss me yet?"

~~~~~~~~~~

Angel froze. He looked over at the closed office doors, expecting to
see the embodiment of the voice he had just heard on the phone. No
one there.

"What. *Now* you're speechless?" Sardonic amusement came thru the
speaker.

*On the phone, Angel. On the phone. You really didn't think he was
here, did you?* Angel shook his head to clear away the voice and
reached over and grabbed the handset.

"Lindsey?"

"I'm flattered, Angel. Got me in one. Makes me wonder if you've been
thinking about me." Again with the sarcasm, it was a habit he'd
picked up in childhood, one that had become second nature to Lindsey
when it was something that really mattered. *Down yourself before
they down you. That way, it won't hurt so bad.*

Angel closed his eyes and just listened to Lindsey speak. *I swear,
I could listen to his voice every day of my life and never tire of
it.* Angel felt a strange prickling sensation on his arms and looked
down to see goose bumps all over them.

Lindsey realized he was still smiling. And the sarcasm just kept
flowing out...he couldn't help it. Hiding the truth behind sarcasm
was something he did very well...and Angel had sounded a little
strained. Why wasn't he answering?

"Angel? Still there? Not on the floor passed out in shock to hear my
voice, are you?" Ha! Answer that one!

"Vampires don't faint, Lindsey." The sound of amusement in Angel's
voice spurred Lindsey on.

"Oh really? Bet I can make you faint!" Lindsey was still
smiling....and trying to avoid the reason he'd called.

"Lindsey, please," Angel replied, amused. "I thought two years away
would give you time to grow up."

"Oh, that's a loaded statement from a guy who gets his kicks leaving
childish signs on trucks." Lindsey thought *Give me time to grow up?
God, he sounds as if he wanted me to call him.*

Angel laughed. "Got a ticket, did you?"

Lindsey snorted. "Of course not! I talked my way out of Wolfram &
Hart. What made you think I couldn't talk my way out of a ticket?"

"I should've known. But it was fun. And I'm still not fainting,
Linds. Just why did you call, any way?"

//Okay, he still sounds amused. Remember, Lindsey....truth hidden in
sarcasm.....Angel likes that. He likes a lot....apparently. Are you
really positive he....maybe....oh I don't know, but nothing
ventured, nothing gained, isn't that what they say?//

Lindsey teasingly said, "Well, I was just sitting here, wondering
what it would feel like to have you screw me until I couldn't move,
so I called to ask you how it would feel." *Hmm...Silence of the
Vampire.* "Angel...you still there?"

Angel didn't faint, he did worse.

He stuttered.

"Par…….!" *Did I just hear what I think I did?* "Wha…….?" *He didn't
just say he wanted to fuck, did he? Surely not.* "Excuse me?" Angel
finally manages to sputter out.

Lindsey laughed. "Talk much, Angel?"

"What are you playing at this time Lindsey? What's the game?" Angel
sat down in his chair behind his desk. He felt jittery, jumpy, and
somewhat distracted. Visions of Lindsey's blue eyes clouding over
with desire for him kept popping up in Angel's head.

"No game Angel." Lindsey's voice dropped another octave and the
sarcasm was notably missing. "I'm deadly serious. I keep thinking of
you, dreaming about you……"

"Are you looking to get that way?" Angel asks emotionlessly cutting
Lindsey off.

"What way?" Lindsey asked. *Why does he always do that? Now he
sounds like he doesn't care.*

"Dead." Angel answered.

Lindsey sighs. "No Angel, I'm just looking for a way to get you out
of my head." *And very possibly my heart.* But no way was Lindsey
going to tell the vampire that.

"And into your bed?" Angel replied, his voice tinged with amusement.

"If that's what it takes. I swear, Angel, I think I am going crazy.
So are you going to answer my question or not?" Lindsey says,
exasperation now creeping in.

"What question was that Lindsey?" Angel asks quietly.

Silence filled the line for a minute or so. *Oh, God.....this is so
damn hard to say.* "What would it feel like?" Lindsey softly said,
feeling his body flush all over. "I really do want to know. Hell, I
*need* to know."

"Why do you `need' to know?" Angel softly asked.

"Because," Lindsey answered truthfully, "I can't get the thought of
you out of my head. I'm not joking now, okay? I just.....I
just.....I want.....something. You, I guess. God, I can't believe
I'm saying this. Look, I know I'm twisted, okay? But.....this
is.....confusing me and.....Angel, I need you. I need help. Please,
this once, trust me. I'm on fire here, Angel."

"Lindsey, where are you?" Angel asked, smoldering desire lacing his
voice. *On fire....for ME? Oh...my....god.* He understands Lindsey's
needs, his wants, his desires. He understands what it feels like to
be haunted with the unknown. But what he doesn't understand is this
raging need in *himself* to answer Lindsey's question in person.

Chapter 5

"Truth or Dare"

"Home, Angel. I am at home." Lindsey said with a soft laugh, teasing
again. He'd just let more out than he'd intended....and what if
Angel wasn't interested? What if he was only....getting his rocks
off listening to Lindsey say these things?

Was Lindsey serious...or just getting off on messing with his head
again? "Where's home at, Lindsey?" Angel said.

"Definitely *not LA.*. Are you worried that I may be right under
your nose and you never knew it?" Soft laughter floats through the
phone and into Angel's ear, settling right in Angel's groin. "No,
Angel, I am not under your nose but I think I *am* under your skin.
I bet that pisses you off too, doesn't it?" More soft laughter and
now Angel is hard. "I know it's pissing me off."

"Lindsey, did you call me for phone sex or is there a point to all
this innuendo and heavy breathing?" Angel asks, frustration
screaming through his body.

*Phone sex....did Angel actually just say phone sex?!?* A heated
flush swept through Lindsey's body at the thought of Angel and phone
sex...Angel and any sex....Angel....sex....Lindsey closed his eyes
and softly growled.

Angel chuckled. "Lindsey, did you just growl at me?"

"Uh...maybe?" Lindsey said, a little breathless now.

*Oh, turnabout is fair play, Lindsey. You made me stutter. Well, I
can play, too.* Angel made a sound between a growl and a purr, and
said, "I like it. I like the sound of your voice. It makes me want
to fuck you right through the floor."

Lindsey felt his face go slack in shock and the phone dropped from
his suddenly boneless hand. //Oh, *Fuck*....did he just actually say
that?!? I cannot *believe* the stoic bastard said that! // He heard
the vampire speak again.

"Linds....you still there?"

He picked the phone back up with a hand that now held a fine
tremor. "I'm still here! Are you trying to scare me off? If so, it
didn't work! You know, I can play just as hard as you can,
Angel!"*Cause you know what? Pain or no pain, I'm doing this now.
That's right. I'm gonna let Angel screw my brains out. If only....I
can get him here.*

Angel chuckled again. "You don't want to get burned, you shouldn't
play with fire, Lindsey. You started this dance. I ask again, is
there a point to all of this?"

"The point is Angel, I want you. Question is: Do you want me?"
Lindsey said, his voice suddenly smooth and sultry, a little
breathless, a little teasing.

*He really means it!* Thoughts of a desire drugged Lindsey were now
driving him to the edge. He had to get to him...as fast as possible.
*Do I honestly want to fuck him through the floor? Lemme
think......Hell yes!!* "Yes, Lindsey, I want you………….and if you tell
me where you are, I'll even come and show you."

"Find me, Angel………….and you can have me." He said with the sexiest
drawl he could, and with that Lindsey hung up the phone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"LINDSEY!" Angel roared into the phone. Nothing but dead air
answered back.

"DAMMIT!" Angel ripped the phone off the desk and hurled it across
the room where it shattered against the wall with such force pieces
were left imbedded in the wall. Angel turned to the doors where
Harmony was standing having come to see what all the noise was about.

"Harmony, get in here." Angel ground out.

Harmony walked over to the desk and looked at her boss. She could
see yellow flirting with the chocolate brown of his eyes and smiled
gleefully. *This job may not be such a drag after all.* "Hey, Angel?
What's up? Need somebody killed? Or at least maimed?"

Angel grimaced at Harmony's words but he knew that she was sensing
his demon fighting for control. He took a deep breath and let it out
slowly, not for the oxygen but for the minimal time it gave him to
take back that control.

"No, Harmony. Found……I want someone found. As soon as possible.
Yesterday would have been nice. Understand?"

"Sure. You want someone found. Who?"

"Lindsey McDonald."

"Wasn't he just on the phone? Why didn't you just ask him where he
is?"

"I did……Harmony. He had already hung up. I need him found……NOW!"

"Alright already. I get it. No need to get all pissy about it. Any
hints as to where to begin?"

"He used to work here a few years back. I already have his file but
there's nothing beyond his termination date. Look for credit card
usage, forwarding address from his apartment…….I don't know……Look
for anything……Just find him!"

"Ok already. I'm on it." With that, Harmony turned and walked out
the door closing the doors behind her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Back in Oklahoma, Lindsey McDonald sat at his desk, worried about
what he had just set in motion. He realized he had let his body talk
and not his mind. Why in the holy hell had he just done that?
Invited a vampire, whose hands had never touched him except to hurt
him, back into his life?!? Shit, he'd all but dared the man....and
Lindsey knew he was a lot of things, but a masochist was *Not* one
of them. Or, at least, he hadn't been. Damn! He needed another drink.

Lindsey decided he pretty much hated the unknown.

Chapter 6

"Homeward Bound"

Six hours later, Angel had all the information he needed laid out
before him and knew everything the young lawyer had been up to for
the last 2 years. He picked up a piece of paper and read the
letterhead. *Garland, McDonald, & Powers - Attorneys at Law*

"Tulsa, Oklahoma. So I guess you went home after all didn't you
Lindsey?"

"Lindsey?"

Gunn walked in and took a seat on the couch across the room from
Angel's desk and looked over at the vampire. "I know you
ain't talkin' about that evil lawyer you ran outta here a few years
back……or are you? He ain't comin' back into play now is he, cause
I'm thinkin' he may not like it here now –– with you bein'
boss and all."

Angel smiled. "No Gunn, Lindsey isn't coming back. Seems he has
made a name for himself back home in Oklahoma. Partner in a firm
there."

"And you know this how? Better yet –– why?" Gunn asked.

"I ran across his file the other day and got curious. Had Harmony
look into it. He was easy to find, didn't even change his name to
hide. I guess the Senior Partners did like him cause he's still
alive and --"

"Angel, I just got off the phone with the pilot and he said that the
Wolfram & Hart company jet can be ready to go whenever you are. He
just needs an hour to get pre-flight done. So there's your
nonstop flight to……Oh! Gunn……Hi." Harmony looked over at Angel and
smiled as angelically as she could. *Oops! You're so busted!!
* "Anyway,here's the pilot's name and number……" She handed Angel a
scrap of paper "I'm leaving now, so can I get you anything before I
go?"

"No Harm, I think you've done enough for one day. Go home and
I'll see you tomorrow." Angel walked over to the blonde and putting
his hand on her elbow, steered her towards the door.

"But aren't you going to -" Harmony started to ask.

"Goodbye, Harmony!" Angel said loudly effectively cutting her off.

"Alright! Goodbye already. You better not be this grouchy tomorrow
or I'll-"

"Harmony!" Angel bellowed.

"I'm gone!" Harmony turned and fled.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

"What was that all about?" Gunn asked when Angel came back into his
office and closed the doors.

Angel considered what to tell the man but then opted for the truth.

"I'm going to Oklahoma. To see Lindsey. Wes seems to think that
maybe he could help us." Angel looked over at Gunn expecting the man
to blow up at him, get angry, ask him if he was crazy *I am,
aren't I? Aren't I?* anything *but* the reaction he got, which was
none.

"Kinda figured you would……someday." Gunn said.

"You did?" Angel asked, surprised.

"We all did, man. We just figured it would have happened before now
is all. But I guess ``outta sight outta mind''. Then you
came back here –– to this place and……well, I guess now is the time."
Gunn said, shrugging his shoulders. ""When you leavin'?"

Angel looked at the scrap of paper in his hand then looked back at
Gunn with a faint smile on his face. "Hopefully, in about an hour."
He said, reaching for the phone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Angel lay back on the bed in the back of the luxurious Wolfram &
Hart company jet. He had decided to board before sunrise so he could
sleep on the way and have less wait time for sunset when he got
there. He was determined to see Lindsey that night.

It seemed the entire plane had been outfitted especially for him,
from the blood bags in the galley to the special glass for the
windows, the same glass used in his offices and penthouse suite that
Wolfram & Hart gave him when he took over the LA offices. //Nothing
but the best huh, Lindsey? Five star accommodations. I can see why
it would be hard to turn all *this* down, especially after growing
up the way you did.//

Angel let his mind wrap itself around the young lawyer, and the only
time they ever worked together instead of against each other. //
Well there was the body parts shop, but can't really count that
cause he didn't ask for my help, that just sort of happened. //
But the kids………That's where it all began………………

Saving those kids seemed to be personal for Lindsey. I had thought
it would wake him up as to the type of people he worked for. I was
wrong. He said that he wanted out. I had assumed that he meant out
from under Wolfram and Hart. Lindsey wanted out all right, out from
under the guilt he knew he would feel when Vanessa got done with
those kids. But that guilt was replaced by fear and anger. Anger
because his body reacted to mine. It came alive. I made his body
sing in a way it never had before. I know because that scent, his
arousal, his passion, his essence....it's been a part of me since
that night. Lindsey was angry because he couldn't accept it. His
scent is what constantly drove me to touch him, to remind him. So I
did. Mainly with my fists. I needed him to hurt. I needed him to
bleed. He got off on it, too. He's as twisted as I am. I needed him
to need me.

But most of all, I needed him to come forward and tell me what his
body was screaming at mine. That he wanted me. And that want of me
made him afraid. I could have helped him understand his needs, his
desires. Himself. Instead, he hid. Hid behind that concrete, steel
and glass called Wolfram and Hart. Where he felt safe, where he felt
wanted. Where he didn't have to come to terms with himself, about
what he'd felt for me.

Lindsey never knew that I wanted him too. I was going to tell him
after we saved the kids. I waited up on the hotel roof until just
before sunrise, then headed down to my rooms and waited some more. I
was so sure that he would come to me. I even convinced myself that
he had gone home first to clean up. Wearing a co-worker's blood
all over you all day can be a little unnerving. Maybe reminded him
of his own mortality. Either way, Lindsey never showed up at my
office again.

That was the beginning for me. Oh, if you were to ask Cordelia,
Wesley or even Gunn when my descent into darkness started they would
tell you it was when Darla arrived back into my life. But in
actuality, it was when Lindsey turned his back on me, denying me,
denying himself and in effect, denying us.

But maybe Lindsey knew something that I didn't. Maybe he knew
that I probably would have just marked him up as a win for the good
guys and then left him to fend for himself. After all, I loved
Buffy, right? She's my soul mate, isn't she? And the curse thatwon't
allow me to be with her surely wouldn't let me be with Lindsey, would
it? Was that what he believed? //What was worse than worrying about
all that was the knowledge I had gained the one and only time I
vamped out in his presence. He said I was really gross, but he was
covering. It turned him on, and that was a bad thing to know. *bad,
bad, bad thing to know.*//

Either way, it didn't matter. After I took his hand to save
Cordy's life, he became focused on destroying me. Part of it was in
anger for what I took from him involuntarily and I guess I
understood that. But I think another part of him hoped that with my
destruction, my death he could regain the part of himself that he
had given me voluntarily, his heart. But he couldn't do it.//

Maybe if he had been able to make Darla love him, he would have been
able to let go of his twisted hatred of me. He could have fooled
himself into believing that through her he got me. Instead he got
neither. Darla left, disappeared. And me, well I did everything
short of physically driving him out of LA personally. I needed him
gone before one of us ended up dead. I had to let him go. So, I
stood there, hands in my pockets, and watched him drive away. Out of
LA and out of my life.

*God, I let him go. It was worse than leaving Darla in China, worse
than leaving Sunnydale. I'd never had anyone walk away from me
before.....and I hated it.*
~~

Oh, I was doing fine until Lilah offered us Wolfram & Hart on a
silver platter. My random everyday thoughts about him became an
almost constant litany of remembered words and harsh touches. Then
the dreams started. Nice at first, filled with unfulfilled wants and
desires acted out just the way I wanted them. Then they changed,
became wet dreams and vampire wet dreams are *nothing* like a
human's wet dream. My wet dreams consist of Angelus draining and
turning Lindsey, killing the part of him that I want so much, his
heart. So, again, good thing Lindsey was gone.

Then he called. I can still hear that voice. I swear that voice has
haunted me since the day we met. He said he wanted me, that he
couldn't stop thinking about me, dreaming about me, and it was
making him crazy. *Trust me, Lindsey. I know the feeling.* I
can't help wondering what his game is though. Seduction, or rather
sex, is a tactic he never used before, at least not with me. Now I
am intrigued.

"Sir" I jumped at the tinny sound coming from somewhere on my left.

"Yes." I answer.

"I just wanted to let you know that we will be beginning our descent
into Tulsa International in about 20 minutes." The voice replied.

"Thank you."

"Well, Lindsey, here I come. Are you sure you're ready to play?"
Angel laughed silently. *Question is, am I ready? Look at me. 250
years old, jumping at some 29 year old boy like a bitch in heat.
Spike said something to that effect once. Something about being
Love's bitch. Wouldn't he love to see me now?*

Lindsey has more control over me than he ever realized. He always
has. I look into his blue eyes and I feel Angelus screaming inside
of me to have at him. I won't allow that to happen. Not to him. My
balance may be precarious at best, but when it comes to Lindsey, I
have to maintain control. Nothing less is going to do this time,
because I mean to have him. He belongs to me, and I'm fucking tired
of waiting. Tired of all the long, lonely nights.

Lindsey has a dominate nature, the same as I do. The same exact
sense of submissiveness is there too. I've felt it. We're two halves
that make a whole. The fact that he's human only makes my desire for
him greater. Part of Lindsey wants me because I'm a vampire. He's so
beautiful to me, my heart hurts to look at him. I cannot decide what
I truly want more: to kiss him or to turn him.

There must be a place in between....*there just has to be.*

I'm going to find it.

Chapter 7

"Before The Storm"

Lindsey

I've been thinking about my total lack of fear when it comes to
vampires, since I hung up on Angel. At first I thought it started
with Angel...but now I realize that I never had any fear at all. I'm
not sure why that is. It's true, I had a rotten childhood. We were
dirt poor. I'll never forget the death of my siblings due to flu. A
part of me will never get over that. It left an empty place in my
heart, an empty dark place I tried to fill with Wolfram & Hart.

Yet this isn't reason enough for my lack of fear. It was always
there, I suppose. Sometimes, I think a part of my soul is missing. I
feel nothing, most of the time. That's what enabled me to work there
in the first damn place. It eats at me, that nothingness. It tears
me up inside, that numbness. I did crazy things to try to....be
somebody. To prove I was something. *To Belong.* And twice did I try
to get myself out of the whole mess I'd made of my life. The first
time I desperately needed guidance. It didn't work out. The last
time, I ran away.

I once went to Angel for help. I just couldn't stomach the death of
children. It was too much. I let him see the emptiness within
me.....and all I got in return were snide remarks. The man who had
protected Faith against the Watcher's council, despite the torture
of Wesley Wyndham-Price, the man who had even fought his lover over
the rogue slayer.....*he didn't care if I lived or died.* I had
asked him if I died, would it prove I'd changed. He coldly answered
that it would be a start.

And that day was almost my death. I've often thought how close I
came, how no one would have cared, and how very much I want to be
loved. About how I've held no fear of death ever since. I believe I
took the promotion Holland Manners offered me because...at the time,
I thought it was hate towards Angel. Now, I know it was rage,
because he hadn't cared enough to truly help me.

Angel was supposed to help the hopeless. That day, I was pretty
fucking hopeless. That day, the emptiness inside me became a living
thing. Because that day, I finally realized my fate was bound to
his, somehow. My body, it came alive in a way I'd never felt
before that night. *That little epiphany damn near made my heart
stop.* I went straight into denial, and I think it made the rage
worse. So, when I closed that office door, I pushed all the hope
I'd felt deep inside, and I've never recovered it. Now, the
emptiness is all I feel.

For a brief span of time, I thought losing myself in Darla would
make it go away, that hopeless feeling. I'll never forget those
few sick moments in the nursery when she was dead. Also, the fact
that I understood that crazy Drusilla has often made me wonder how
sane I am. I told Darla I didn't mind dying. At the time, I'd
meant it. The funny thing is, Darla had known, she'd even told
me once. *It's not me you want to screw. It's him..*

Then I felt him, the same second Drusilla did. He said, I'm sorry
I didn't get to you in time. Darla assumed he was talking to her.
That was the only true apology he ever gave me. I smiled when he
shut the door on us. If I had died that night, at least he had
given me that much.

Now, I've called him to me. I'm still not afraid. Will he come?

These two years, I've filled them with passionate encounters.
It's almost become a blur to me. Sex for me has always been an
exquisite, sensuous experience, and *yes, alright....sometimes,
it borders on pain.* I drive my body until I'm numb, until I can't
move, until I'm nearly dead.

It's not enough any longer. I've realized I'm doing it to *feel*.
To feel alive. To feel human. To feel that I'm not a selfish,
uncaring bastard. I need something else, some other forgetfulness
to quell the emptiness I live with. *To forget him. Always....him.*
But I can't....I just can't. He's under my skin,
he's in my blood, and I can't live without him any longer.
So, I called him. If Angel does show up....I'll let him take me.
He can fuck me, kill me,turn me, love me....I don't care which.
*I only know.....I want him more than I want to breathe.*

Like I said before, I'm not a masochist. But if all he offers me
is pain, I'll take it. I'll cry, I'll scream....fuck,
I'll even beg the bastard. My pride is gone, my heart is barren,
and Goddamn it, I feel...so fucking alone. *He's the only one who
can understand.* Because he knows that at least physical wounds
heal, and fade. Emotional ones seem to never leave. They leave a
deeper scar that can never completely fade. And I'm so tired.
So fucking tired.

And at least with him I'd feel something, wouldn't I? Even if
it's only pain. It's better than this cold emptiness I live
with. Iwant to feel something real, something tangible..
Something life-altering and cataclysmic, something to stir what
remains of my soul.

The sound of his voice on the phone brought it all rushing back, and
I want him. Dreams are sometimes only dreams, because I'm not a
prophet or a seer. Only a lawyer with an evil hand, who denies the
truth when it's staring me in the face. And I'm not a
teenager, confused and ashamed of what I need from him, but a man
who knows what I want.

I'm not hiding from it any longer.

Chapter 8

"Choices"

Lindsey stood up from the couch he'd been lounging on, and walked
to the liquor cabinet to pour a tumbler of scotch. He looked at
himself in the mirror behind it, smiling at himself. He needed to
stop this.....what had Angel once told him?....ah, yes. Moping.
He made a noise that was a cross between a snort and a laugh.
*A case of the pot calling the kettle, Angel. You brood, and
I mope.* And even after all this time, Lindsey still had to smile
at Angel's snarky attitude during the car ride the day before
he'd left LA. At first, it had been the side glances at Lindsey,
even during the call he'd made to Cordelia. It had made
Lindsey's skin crawl. But then Angel just couldn't keep his
mouth shut.

*Your hand hasn't been doing anything....funny....lately, has
it?* The vampire had asked with a look of total innocence on his
face. *While his hand stroked the side window. Innocent.....right.*
Lindsey had shot Angel a look that said *I saw that* and *Are you
flirting with me now?* and *That's none of your business* and *Go
to Hell* all at the same time.

Lindsey had told Angel *You know, I know you're Mr. Save A Soul
now, but at least you used to throw down with your enemies.
What do you wanna do now? You wanna share?* *Only, I meant screw,
and he knew it.* I'm glad he didn't reply to that at the
time. I was on the edge as it was. And when I gasped at the sight
of the axe in his hand.....

Lindsey's memories were cut off at the sound of his cell phone
ringing. He was grinning as he answered, "Hello?"

"Still want me, Lindsey?"

*Oh, man.....it's him. He has my cell number.* "Angel?"

He sounded amused. "Expecting someone else?"

Lindsey said, "No. Not really. How did you get this number?"

Angel laughed and the sound made Lindsey's mouth go dry. "You
told me if I found you, I could have you. I've been searching,
and I almost have you pinned down. Do you still want me, Lindsey?"

*Does this mean you're coming? Please say it does. I couldn't
take it if you don't.* Lindsey thought that, but all he said was,
"Yes, I do. Wh...Where are you?"

"So, do I have an open invite to your place once I find you?" Angel
asked, avoiding the question.

Lindsey laughed. He knew that the vampire must already know where he
is. *He sounds too cocky not to know where I am. Question is, where
is he, how long before he gets here and how long do I have before I
have to make good on my promise?* "When you get here, Angel, come on
in. Door's open."

Angel said, "You sure about that? Once I walk into your life again,
all choice will be gone. Are you really sure you want this?"

Lindsey made the half-snort, half laugh sound again. "Yes, I'm sure.
You want it in writing?"

Angel's voice said behind him, "That would be nice, but not
necessary. Thanks anyway."

Lindsey whirled around found himself face to face with the object of
his every sleeping thought, though lately even the waking thoughts
were filled with *him* too. "Angel?"

Angel smiled. "Hello, Lindsey, long time no see." And with that
Angel took Lindsey's face in his hands and kissed the young man
breathless.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lindsey barely had time to process the fact of Angel's presence
in his home before the vampire took his face in his hands, a sweet
surge of heat enveloped his body, and Angel's lips were on his
own. His kiss was everything Lindsey had dreamed of and more.
He opened his mouth and let him deepen the kiss. It was pulse
pounding, earth shattering, and left the lawyer breathless,
wanting, and that element of danger....he felt it down to his soul.

Lindsey dropped the phone, reached up to wind his hand in the
vampire's hair, and kissed him back, touching Angel's tongue
with his, and he felt it in every nerve in his body, which was
now burning to just get on with it.....and his mind was screaming
*he's here, he came, he's kissing you. Oh my god.* He craved
contact with that body, so Lindsey moved closer, slipping his hand
under Angel's shirt to touch the vampire.

Angel was surprised. The way Lindsey had sounded on the
phone....he'd thought Lindsey was maybe just curious or
something, but.....*oh shit*......damn, Lindsey was teasing his
nipples. The vampire muttered "*Fuck*" and Lindsey moaned into the
kiss. Damn.....was Lindsey a novice at this or not? Angel moved his
right hand to Lindsey's back, and kissed his way to the young
man's ear. His smooth voice whispered into his ear,
"Have you ever done this before, Lindsey?"

That momentarily confused Lindsey. Then it dawned on him what Angel
had asked, and Lindsey felt himself blush all over, a combination of
embarrassment and desire sweeping over him. His heartbeat
accelerated, and now he wondered if he was insane to have brought
this down on himself, but frankly, he was too hot to care. He softly
said, "I've never been with a man before, Angel, if that's what
you're asking."

Angel laughed softly as he moved to stand behind Lindsey.
"That's very good. I've always wanted to be the first one
there,Lindsey." He slid his hands down the young man's chest,
until he reached the erection that strained against fabric. He
softly began to stroke it. Lindsey gasped and arched into Angel's
hand. "So, you're trying to tell me...what? I'm the only one?"

Lindsey let his head fall back as he closed his eyes. Why was he
only complete when Angel touched him? His voice was very husky,
deepened with passion as he answered, "Yes. You're the one.
The....only....one."

Angel softly growled into Lindsey's ear. The young man was very
visibly turned on by that, just as Angel had known he would be. The
vampire slid his hands up under Lindsey's shirt, touching him,
teasing him, just to feel how sensitive his skin was to his touch.
Lindsey arched up into the touch....*God, his skin's so damn hot.
He feels like he has fever.* Angel thought. His hand wandered back
down, and he began unbuttoning the jeans.

Lindsey moaned, placed his shaking hands on the cabinet in front of
him. *Oh, God....this is it. If I wanna back out, it's now or
never.....*, but then Angel started undoing each button on his
jeans, the pressure on his erection hit his system, and Lindsey knew
without doubt, *he wanted this.....desperately.* His body felt more
alive in this moment that it ever had before. "Afraid?" Angel
whispered into his ear. "Hell no," Lindsey shakily said.

"Do you want me to stop? Slow down?" Angel said, his hands poised to
push the jeans down.

*He's giving you an out. This is it, Lindsey boy....take it and
move on....or get on with it and take what you've always wanted.*
Lindsey shivered. He whispered,
"Fuck no, don't stop....please....don't stop."

Angel growled again. Lindsey gasped at the sound, and the vampire
chuckled. He slid the jeans down, his hands inside touching
Lindsey's legs all the way down, then back up again as he stood.
He shrugged the duster off, placing the lube he'd brought on the
cabinet in front of Lindsey, who inhaled sharply at the sight of it,
but didn't try to move away. The vampire continued touching
Lindsey, who was gently shaking with the desire that was running
though his body, panting softly, and blushing at the same time.

Angel decided this was the moment of truth, right here....right now.
He gently took Lindsey's balls in his grip, gently
squeezed....not enough to hurt....just enough to get his attention.
He kissed Lindsey's neck, and the young man sucked in his breath
and *froze*. Angel menacingly said, "What game are you playing
at.....what do you want, really? Tell me, Lindsey."

Lindsey softly said, "I have a vampire at my neck, my pants are down
around my ankles, every nerve in my body is singing, I can't
decide what it is I want the most, but your hand is on the most
vulnerable part of my body....I can feel the danger I'm in. Tell
me, Angel....what do I smell like I want?"

"Oh, you smell like you really want me to take you, but I want to
hear you say it. Tell me, Lindsey," Angel whispered. "You look at
yourself in that mirror, and you tell me."

Lindsey glanced in the mirror, saw himself...the look of abandonment
in his eyes, the color of the blush of his skin, and he was blinded
by passion, only feeling the hot desire the vampire had always
aroused in him, Lindsey turned to look Angel in the eye, and
answered honestly, "Anything you want, Angel. I'll let you do
anything to me you want. I just want you to take me. Here. Now."
His voice broke, and he swallowed what remained of pride,
"Please. I just want to feel something real."

That wasn't the answer Angel was expecting, and it made the
demon within glitter in his eyes. A Lindsey who kissed back,
who touched him boldly, and didn't shy away from something
he'd never known, he'd not expected that. He'd expected
anything but the aching, crushing, heart stopping need he could
hear in Lindsey's voice and the unwavering truth he could read in
the young man's eyes. It sent his senses reeling, and before he
could control himself, he had the lawyer bent over the liquor
cabinet, the lube he had brought in his hands. Angel got Lindsey
ready for him, he wasn't cruel about it, but not gentle either.
Lindsey sucked his breath in, he whimpered a little, but he
didn't protest. Then Angel took the man under him, hard and fast.
Lindsey screamed at the swift invasion.

He felt pain and pressure as Angel moved in him, but it faded as
other, more primal needs took him over. The hot, sweet flush was
replaced by a nasty, even hotter desire, one that he found he liked.
Being taken this way by someone stronger than him, being used this
way by Angel.....Lindsey liked it very much. It hurt, but not like
he'd imagined it would. Passion took him over, and all he could
do was ride it out. Then the vampire moved a different way, and
Lindsey groaned deeply. Angel was hitting his prostate with every
stroke, and Lindsey started moving in rhythm with him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lindsey hadn't lied. He was tight, only the way a virgin at this
would be. The heat surrounding him was incredible, Angel had never
felt anyone this hot under him before. A red haze descended over the
vampire, and all he felt was the need to conquer and dominate, to
fuck the man underneath him, and he didn't hear the sounds that
were coming from Lindsey until it was almost over. But by then,
Angel couldn't stop the orgasm that overtook him when he realized
the young man under him was moving with him, he was moving and
moaning, and he came right before Angel did, the vampire's name
echoing in the air in that harsh, husky voice.

Angel knew then that Lindsey was playing the only game that ever
mattered. It was kiss or kill and he was afraid it was going to end
up being both, because Lindsey was the one, the only one, who was
prepared to take it all the way. Angel had known this from the
moment he'd really looked into Lindsey's eyes, what seemed a
lifetime ago.

The final dance between them had begun.

Chapter 9

"An Angel in Black"

Angel pulled slowly out of Lindsey, wincing when he saw traces
of the young man's blood on his cock. *Damn it....did I have to
be so rough? I did not want it to happen this way. But face
it....control and Lindsey do NOT belong in the same sentence.
Not when I heard all that need in his voice....*

"Angel! Don't!" Lindsey had felt the change in Angel the moment
the vampire left his body. He turned, followed Angel's eyes to the
man's softening penis, saw the blood and knew Angel was feeling
guilty.

"Don't what?" Angel looked up at Lindsey.

"Don't start feeling guilty, especially about *that*!"
Lindsey said pointing to Angel. "Nothing happened here that
*I didn't want to happen or that I didn't expect to happen....
or that I didn't enjoy.* I asked you for that, remember?"

"That may be, but I didn't have to be so rough," Angel quietly
said.

"Right now, Angel, that's the only way it can be. Let's face
it, gentleness and tenderness ain't part of what we are. It never
was. I knew that when I called you," Lindsey said.

Angel locked eyes with the young man who appeared so concerned over
the guilt he couldn't help but feel. "It can be, Lindsey."

*Okay.....he feels guilty.....and damn those puppy dog eyes of
his.* "Maybe……Someday. But today ain't that day. We have too
much to punish each other for right now."

"Punish each other? Is that what you think I am doing here? I've
come to punish you? Lindsey, don't you think you have been punished
enough?"

"Okay, maybe 'punish' isn't the right word, but still, I think you
get my drift," Lindsey replied.

Angel sighed. More for appearance than for necessity. *Seriously,
can the man be more infuriating?* "Lindsey, obviously we need to
talk and I really can't have that conversation right now, not
with the smell of blood –– your blood –– hanging around."
Angel smiled at the little play on words. "So could you please
point me to the bathroom and let me get cleaned up first."

Lindsey pointed the way and watched Angel walk away. Bending down
and retrieving his own clothes, he redressed and sat on the sofa
waiting for Angel's return. He heard water running and laid his head
back and closed his eyes. *Dammit, didn't realize he planned on
taking a shower. Sure, Angel....make yourself at home.*

Angel paused just inside one doorway of the bathroom, and stared.
One corner of the room was taken up by a large Jacuzzi tub. Angel
grinned as he walked over to it. Made to fit the corner, sunk into
the floor, and easily accommodating to two people, Angel turned on
the taps and adjusted the temperature. As the tub filled, Angel
scanned the rest of the room, taking in the double vanity sink and
pausing at the double wide shower in another corner of the room.
*Only a sensualist would have a bathroom like this. Lindsey's
been holding out on me.* Angel turned back to the tub and turned off
the water. Lighting the candles he saw on the corner of the tub and
laying out two big, fluffy towels, Angel slid the door closed behind
him and went in search of a certain lawyer.

Angel paused and stared at the young man relaxing on the sofa.
*He looks like I feel....lonely. Very lonely. Why are you alone,
Lindsey?*

Angel shook his head ridding himself of all the questions.
//As of right now, Lindsey, you are not alone……not anymore.
Someday……somehow……I will see you happy, starting right now.
*I hope*.//

Lindsey jumped when he felt Angel slip a cool hand into his warm
one. He looked up at Angel and watched as the vampire leaned over
and placed a cool, and oddly comforting, kiss on his forehead.

"Come with me." Angel said, smiling, pulling Lindsey off the sofa.

"Where?"

"For God's sake, Lindsey, must you always question me on everything?
Just once, trust me. Now come on." Angel turned and headed back to
the bathroom, tugging a hesitant Lindsey behind him. When they
reached the bathroom door, Angel turned back and smiled
mischievously at the young man and reached over and began
unbuttoning Lindsey's shirt.

"Angel, what are you doing?"

"Shhh, taking off your shirt, now close your eyes."

"Why?"

"Because I have a surprise and you're overdressed. Now please,
close your eyes and keep them closed, no matter what. If you
peek……well, I guess I'll have to bite you." Angel said with
a smile, both on his face and in his voice so the young man could
hear the playfulness in its tone.

Lindsey closed his eyes and sighed when he felt Angel's fingers
ghost over his skin as each button popped open. He flinched slightly
when he felt Angel's cool fingers slide across his chest, blunt
nails lightly grazing each nipple and coming to rest on his
shoulders. Fighting to keep his eyes closed as he felt Angel's
hands gently massaging down each arm and feeling his shirt slipping
off to puddle at his feet. *Okay, Angel has this seduction thing
down to an art. This feels incredible.....Oow!* Lindsey heard
Angel's swift intake at the same time searing pain shot through
his upper arm. Lindsey's eyes flew open as he jerked away and he
looked accusingly at the vampire.

"Oww! Shit Angel, what was that for? My eyes were closed." Lindsey
reached over to touch the bruised flesh.

Angel caught a flash of black on the young man's arm then looked
back at the slightly burned flesh of his palm. "Lindsey……what
did you do?"

"What do you mean what did *I* do? Felt like you bit me." Lindsey
leaned past Angel and slid the bathroom door open. Pushing past the
vampire, Lindsey walked over to look at his arm in the mirror. All
he saw was the other constant reminder of why he left L.A. *As if
the scar around my wrist wasn't enough.*

"You burned my hand."

"How the hell could I have burned your……hand?" Lindsey turned to
look at the vampire and froze taking in the sight before him. Bath
drawn, towels laid out, and candles everywhere. *Holy shit.....what
is he doing?*

Angel looked up from his hand to the reflection in the mirror. "When
did you get that?" Angel asked pointing to the cross entwined with a
very familiar looking……angel? on Lindsey's upper arm.

Lindsey looked at his arm then back to the tub, "The night I left
L.A. I wanted to……" Lindsey faltered.

"Wanted to what?" Angel was overreacting and he knew it but he
couldn't seem to help himself. "Hurt me? Tell me that you
didn't do this to hurt me."

"Hurt you, Angel? How the hell was I supposed to hurt you with this?
I never expected to see you again. You told me to never come back-
and why does *this* have to be about you? Maybe I wanted-?"

"The angel, Lindsey. That's the agency's logo. So now tell me
how this isn't about me. Besides, you had it blessed, or else I
could touch it." Angel interrupted, not wanting to be reminded of
that night. Standing there watching the young lawyer drive off was
one of the hardest things he had done. "Why did you do it?
Why would-"

"I wanted to remember." Lindsey interrupted quietly, pleading in his
eyes for understanding and space. *Please, don't push this. Not
here....not now. Whatever you had going on here.....I want it.*

Angel saw the look in Lindsey's eyes but chose to ignore it.
He had never seen the lawyer this……open. Lindsey was always so
tightly controlled, showing little –– if any –– emotion,
giving nothing of himself away. Angel was at a loss as to how to
handle this newly revealed vulnerability but he knew that Lindsey
would close back up if he relented so instead he pushed
on. "Remember what, Lindsey? The pain of L.A.? The evilness of
Wolfram & Hart? All the material things that you had to give up?
Am I getting warm here?"

"YOU!" Lindsey ground out, visibly upset at having to reveal that.

*What??* Angel reeled back as if Lindsey had slapped him. He stood
staring at Lindsey unsure of what to say. "Wh……wh……what?"

"Dammit Angel, I wanted to remember you."

Angel felt the anger slide out of his body and the beginnings of
something warm taking its place. Reaching over and grabbing the
waistband of Lindsey's jeans, he hauled the young man to him and
planted a kiss on Lindsey's lips. His flavor was distinctive,
staggering, and each taste was a shock to the senses. Angel felt
Lindsey's tongue meet with his own and engage in a short battle
for control before feeling the young man give in and lean into the
kiss. Trailing his fingers across and down Lindsey's chest, Angel
found the silky ribbon of hair that descended into soft, worn denim
and lower. When Angel stroked it lightly he could feel the muscles
of Lindsey's belly jump in response. The evidence of the young
man's excitement brought a heady kind of thrill.

A dizzying spiral of heat swirled through Lindsey, turning him
boneless. He couldn't have stood without Angel's support.
Angel's mouth was laying claim to his own with tongue and teeth,
leaving him breathless. Lindsey sensed a hint of desperation in
Angel's hands as they popped open the buttons of his jeans, one
right after another. Angel's hands slid back around and into the
jeans to cup Lindsey's ass, kneading it gently.

"You have the firmest, tightest ass I've ever felt." Angel
whispered, before letting go and sliding Lindsey's jeans and
boxers down to his ankles. Angel slid around to stand behind Lindsey
and nodded his head towards the tub. "That's for you. I was a
little……forceful earlier and I thought this might help with the
soreness."

Lindsey smiled, "I'm fine. You didn't have to do this."

"Yeah, I did. I shouldn't have taken you like that but this
isn't just about that. It's about the past. We can't
change it but we can learn from it. I learned that I wanted you,
a little too much for my comfort, and so fighting with you was easy.
Watching you hurt though, that wasn't so easy." Angel laughed
softly, "Hell Lindsey, nothing about you was ever easy, but……"
Angel paused and nudged Lindsey towards the steaming water,
wrapping an arm around the young man's waist as Lindsey kicked
off the clothes at his feet. "but I found that I still wanted you
and I'm sorry that I couldn't have found a better way to show
it."

Lindsey turned and just stared at Angel, sort of in shock. Couldn't
believe Angel seriously meant what he'd just said. Lindsey closed
his eyes and thought hard about that. Could he let it go, the pain
which had been the greater part of him for the last several years?
If he let Angel do this, he would be losing what had driven him for
so long.....but maybe in doing so, he would gain something finer to
replace it. He sighed deeply as he made his decision, and he let the
sweet hot flush he'd been fighting finally settle into him. Along
with the flush of desire this time, Lindsey felt a tightening around
the area of his heart. He was not sure it could be termed
pain....but...was this the something real he'd wanted?

He opened his eyes to see that Angel's gaze had never left his
face. "Yeah, I'm sorry too." he softly said.

*Impulses*

Angel let out a deep breath he didn't even know he was holding in
and reached out and caressed Lindsey's handsome face. He watched
as the young man gave him a shy smile and place his warm hand atop
Angel's cool one, and felt his heart jump when Lindsey turned and
placed a kiss in Angel's hand. Angel, halfway in love with
Lindsey already, knew he needed to slow down and let the young man
catch up, so putting his free hand on Lindsey's shoulder he
turned the young man back towards the tub. "Better get in before
the water gets cold."

"Only if you get in there with me," Lindsey said.

Angel looked at the man for confirmation. "Are you sure?" *How can
he want me near him after what I just did?*

"Angel, I'm really not sure about anything right now, but I know I
want you with me, right here, right now. So get in the damn tub.
Besides……you're softer to lean on," Lindsey softly said.

Angel smiled as he stepped into the tub before Lindsey. He reached
out and grabbed the young man's hands and dragged him into the tub
with him. Lindsey hissed when Angel pulled him down to sit in front
of him in the steaming water.

"Damn Angel, are you trying to boil me?"

"Sorry. I like it hot. Only way to feel warm."

"I guess."

"Is it too hot?"

"I don't know, I'll tell you in a minute." Lindsey leaned back
against the vampire and was slightly surprised to find that Angel's
skin was still cool regardless of the almost scalding water they
were both immersed in. He slid further back, wanting to feel as much
of Angel as he could. Angel's arms slid under his and wrapped him in
a cool embrace. *Why is it that this feels so right? And what
happens now? Where do I -we-go from here? Why is he here? Does he
really care about me or is this just a way to appease a guilty
conscience? Making Amends? Is there a 12 step program he has to
follow to right his wrongs with the Powers? And where does that
leave me?*

"Lindsey." Angel whispered into Lindsey's ear. "Quit thinking. There
will be enough time for that tomorrow. Tonight is for this - for us.
Now relax, please."

Lindsey closed his eyes, forced himself to relax and just let
himself feel the vampire. He concentrated on the feel of the water
which surrounded them both, and discovered the heat no longer
bothered him. The contrast between the heat of the water and the
coldness of Angel's body was creating a strange comfort zone. And
the desire he felt was still there, but it was muted now. Angel's
hands were soothing him, petting him, making him want things that
actually had everything and yet nothing to do with sex at the same
time. He had never thought the vampire would even think about
touching him so softly, so gently....almost reverently.

Angel pulled his right arm out from under Lindsey's and ghosted a
finger above the tattoo –– tracing the cross without touching
it. He could feel heat radiating from it in his fingertip and a
familiar headache was beginning to throb behind his eyes.
*Wonder if he feels anything?*

Lindsey shied away from Angel's finger. "That tingles……in a
pins and needles kinda way," He remarked, answering Angel's
unasked question. "Do you feel anything?"

"Heat……intense heat. I was wondering if it was just you or the
cross itself. Want to tell me about it?" Angel dropped his hand and
wrapped his arm back around Lindsey and focused his eyes on the
young man's face.

"If I said *not really* –– would you let it go?"

"Not really –– no."

"Figured as much." Lindsey sighed as he slid more comfortably back
in Angel's embrace, steadfastly refusing to look at the
vampire's face.

"It was impulse, really. Done in anger and spite. I was okay with
leaving but your little visit and parting gift got me pissed off all
over again. I was almost to the freeway out of town when I get
pulled over and the officer asks me to step out of the truck. So I
do and I'm thinkin' *this is it.* This is probably one of
Wolfram & Hart's goons and I'm about to disappear." Instead,
he walks me to the back of the truck and asks me what *that* is all
about. Really Angel, was *Cops Suck* the best you could do?"

Angel shrugged and gave Lindsey a squeeze. "It was an impulse."

Lindsey smiled and entwined his fingers with Angel's. "Yeah,
whatever. Anyway, it worked. But after.."

"Wait. What worked?" Angel interrupted.

"The sign. You always have to have the last word……well, you got
it, for all of about 20 minutes. As soon as I talked my way out of
the ticket and tore the sign to pieces, I headed for the highway.
I passed a place on the way and that put the idea in my head. Next
thing I knew I was parked in front of an ex-client's place and
your business card was in my hand. I walked in, told him what I
wanted and walked out about 2 hours later with what I thought was
the ultimate *Fuck You, Angel* on my arm. I wanted the last word
this time." Lindsey tensed a little and waited to see what
Angel's response would be. *Please, don't be mad, Angel. This
is so....nice. You being here with me feels so good....so right.
Don't let this come between us. Don't...*

"Then?" Angel whispered in Lindsey's ear, interrupting his
thoughts.

"Then……what?"

"Lindsey –– I can't touch it. I'm not sure why but I am
assuming its because you've had it blessed……or something.
And that requires forethought, almost as if you were expecting me."
*And if you were, did you really think I'd hurt you?*

"I was at first. I kept asking myself *Why would Angel go and do
something that was no doubt going to get me pulled over? Did he want
me to get mad enough to go back and confront him? Was he waiting for
me?* Anyway, when I didn't go to see you –– part of me
expected you would come to me."

Lindsey paused, waiting to see if Angel would confirm or deny his
suspicions. When Angel didn't say anything he forged ahead with
the rest of the story –––– wanting to get it done as soon as
possible. "Anyway –––– after I got here, I ran into a law
school buddy of mine. He asked if I would be interested in a
partnership at our own firm. I threw myself into it. Worked so much
so that I barely remembered to eat, much less anything else. Then
about 6 months ago, I started getting restless and edgy. The firm
was doing great and we added another partner, so I started doing a
little pro-bono work. Helping everyone and everywhere I could. That
worked for about a month, then the dreams started. Little snippets
of my past flashing behind my eyes, and it all involved Wolfram &
Hart in some manner. I figured that they found me and cast a spell
to slowly make me crazy, so I went to see a priest."

"Are you Catholic, Lindsey?" Angel said, curious.

Lindsey shrugged and laughed lightly. "Hell Angel, I couldn't
even remember the last time I went to church. But there I was, and
the priest was suggesting that we start at the beginning. I was
christened, and when I made my first confession. Father Michael
wasn't shocked, he believed everything I told him. He's the
one who wanted to bless the cross. He said the voice within told him
it was important he do so, and he always heeded that voice. He told
me I was forgiven my sins, and that prayer would comfort me. He gave
me a rosary, which I still have, but...."

"What?" Angel said.

"I just don't believe forgiveness comes that easy, Angel. Or
maybe it requires faith, and that's something either I never had
or lost long ago. Anyway – when the dreams changed, I quit going.
I knew that if I was dreaming about you, then Wolfram & Hart must
have succeeded and I was crazy. Especially with the dreams I was -
*AM*- having."

"When did those start?"

"About a month ago. Why?"

"Just curious." *That's when I took over at Wolfram & Hart. But
what does that mean? My dreams started shortly after......How does
Lindsey fit into the new scheme?*

Lindsey turned and looked directly into Angel's eyes. "Look
Angel, I'm sorry about the tattoo. I didn't know……I
didn't know……" Lindsey trailed off, completely at a loss as
to what to say.

Angel's eyes never left Lindsey's face. He knew he was staring but
he couldn't seem to help himself. *Hell, Angel...quit acting like a
teenager with his first crush. But damn....he's just too damn
gorgeous not to look at.* He smiled and then leaned down and buried
his face in the young man's neck. Angel felt Lindsey begin to tense
up and pulled back and whispered in his ear. "Shh. It's okay. I'm
not going to bite you, although it's tempting. You just smell so
damn good. Red-blooded American male, its rather intoxicating."

Lindsey smiled as he relaxed back into Angel. "I'll have to take
your word on that, Angel. I wouldn't know. But are we okay? We can
get around this right?" Lindsey watched as Angel bent down and
kissed his shoulder and then felt as Angel moved back to his ear.

"Yeah but - why me, Lindsey?" The vampire quietly asked.

Lindsey didn't even try to pretend that he didn't know what Angel
was asking. He no longer wanted to play games with the vampire.
Something was happening here, to him, *to them*, and only together
would they figure out what it was. He turned his head so that he
could see Angel's face, "Honestly Angel, I don't really know.
But.....I do want you. And I'm not sorry I called you, nor am I
angry about what just happened. I just wish I knew *why* you were
here."

"Linds-"

"I know that I'm not making a whole lot of sense here, but these
last couple of weeks haven't made much sense to me, either. Here I
am, back home and doing good. Great actually. Started up my own
firm, was playing my guitar regularly, and just staying busy. No
time to think about LA or…….you. Hell, up until about a month
ago I hadn't given you a second thought. Then-"

"Lindsey. I'm sorry about the way that ended. I-"

"Shut up for a sec. Geesh. I'm not sorry, Angel. I had to leave. If
I hadn't left then one of us was going to end up dead and the way my
luck was going……well, I would have bet on me. I didn't want to
die and……never mind. Anyway-"

"What Lindsey? Never mind what? Honesty here Linds, you said that.
Tell me."

Lindsey paused. *Am I ready for this? All this honesty? Oh,
well....nothing ventured, nothing gained. What dumbass ever said
that?!?*

"Linds-"

Lindsey sighed, "Ok, ok. I didn't want to die and……you were
never going to accept me after all that had happened. Even though I
had left Wolfram & Hart, you would have kept watching and waiting
for me to screw up, and I probably wouldn't have disappointed you.
You told me once that I had to change, well.... I have, but I had to
get away from you to do it. If I would have stayed, I wouldn't have
changed just to spite you."

Angel smiled at the man, "I can believe that. I think that was one
of the first things about you that grabbed my attention, your
stubbornness. You were never afraid to face me."

"Hell, Angel. I was more afraid of *my* reaction to you than of
*you* yourself. I wasn't ready to admit that I found you attractive
or what my body felt when I was near you. And to admit to myself
that I liked it when you hurt me or that I got off on you vamping
out....that's the hardest damn thing I've ever done."

"You like pain, Lindsey?" Angel asked, his voice lower now, slightly
aroused. *I can't believe he admitted that. Didn't think he
had the nerve to. What other surprises has he in store for me?*

*Oh crap....maybe I shouldn't have said that.* " Maybe...a
little...I don't know. It's not really a kink I wanted to explore
until I met you. All I know is, every time you had your hands on me,
we both know it was to hurt me. Well, now we both know it turned me
on. But you know, all things aside, I probably would have passed on
the whole losing my hand thing."

Angel looked down at Lindsey's arm. The scar was still there, a
faint reminder of the pain they had dealt each other in the past.
Lindsey followed Angel's gaze and lifted his hand up, making a fist
with it then relaxing it. "I guess I lied when I said that I hadn't
really thought about you. Every time I see this scar I thought -
*think* - about you. And I've looked at this scar everyday since I
left."

Angel took Lindsey's hand in his and brought it to his lips. He
placed a single kiss over the scar on the inside of Lindsey's wrist.
He felt a small shudder pass through Lindsey and smiled fleetingly.
Entwining their fingers together, he let their hands drop back down
into the water. "Lindsey, I can't apologize for this. Cordelia's
life was in jeopardy and you didn't really seem like you wanted to
help. Maybe there was another way but I didn't feel moved to look
for it."

"I know that, Angel. I know I acted like I hated you, but it was
always myself I hated. I hated what I'd become, the things I'd done
to you...to them...to her. And I can't apologize because the things
I did....those things can't be forgiven. So I look at this scar
every day, I think about you, and every day, I remind myself that I
may not be forgiven, but maybe I can be redeemed."

Angel gently pushed Lindsey forward so he could slide around and
face him. He took the young man's face in his hands and forced
Lindsey to look at him. He needed to look into Lindsey's eyes and
watch his reaction to his next question. "Is that what you want
Lindsey? Forgiveness? Redemption? Do you think I can give that to
you?"

Lindsey's eyes locked with the vampire's. He knew that Angel
was looking at him……watching him……waiting to see if he would
lie to him. But Lindsey was through lying, to himself, to the man in
front of him, to everyone. "Yes."

Angel watched as Lindsey stared him down, then smiled at him. He
knew that Lindsey was telling the truth. He loosened his grip on
Lindsey's face but let his fingers caress the man's face
before dropping his hands back down to take Lindsey's hands in
his own. "But I can't give it to you, Lindsey. You have to do it
on your own and yes, it's hard. Redemption comes with work,
atonement, righting wrongs. Forgiveness comes with compassion and
never forgetting those you hurt."

"What about those who hurt me?"

"Forgive them, for that's one way to learn compassion. But with
that forgiveness can come guilt and that my friend, is sometimes the
hardest part of redemption."

"Have you forgiven me, Angel?"

Angel smiled at Lindsey, "Yeah. Just don't do any of it again,
okay. Now, the water is getting cold, what say we get out of here
and go someplace warmer and a lot more comfortable like
maybe……your bed?"

"Thought you said this was the only place where you felt warm."
Lindsey said teasingly.

"I lied too then, cause there is one more place where I felt warm.
Angel said leaning in to kiss Lindsey's lips.

"Where was that, Angel?" Lindsey asked nipping at Angel's bottom
lip before sucking it into his warm mouth.

"Inside you, Lindsey. I've never felt anything that damn hot under
me before. And I would very much like to feel that again - *but only
if you want to.*"

Lindsey blushed, and his breathing increased, and his heart....felt
like...stopping. *Oh my God.* "As long as you return the favor.
Remember, new at this?"

"Trust me Lindsey, you *will* be inside me in more ways than one."
Angel kissed Lindsey once more and then stood up and stepped out of
the tub. After briskly drying off, he turned to help Lindsey and
found the man behind him reaching around for the other towel.

"Bedroom is right through that door, right behind you." Lindsey said
smiling as he leaned over to plant another kiss on the vampire's
lips and take the towel from his hands. He watched as Angel took a
much unneeded breath. "Why the breathing, Angel?"

"Because you're smiling," Angel said placing a gentle kiss on
Lindsey's forehead, "and it's beautiful."

Lindsey blushed again, took Angel's hand and led him into his
bedroom.

Chapter 11a

"Sanctuary"

Angel let Lindsey lead him into the bedroom and there he paused.
The slight smell of wood and leather tickled his nose and the sight
before him was one to behold. Soft light from a lamp on night stand
displayed a room only a man would have. The king sized sleigh bed
was a rich mahogany and had soft leather pillow-like inlays in the
headboard. The matching night stands and armoire along with 2
comfortable looking leather chairs completed the furnishings in the
room. There were various pieces of artwork scattered about the room.

Lindsey turned back to see why Angel had stopped and smiled at
the rapt expression on the vampire's face. Following Angel's
eyes, he tried to see what Angel saw. This was his room, his
sanctuary, something he had never shared with another person and
now he was sharing it with Angel. *Shit, what does that mean?
He is-scratch that-WAS my number one enemy and now I'm sharing my
bedroom with him? Fuck that, I'm about to share my BED with him.
Lindsey boy, you are one twisted little man, you know that,
don't....*

"Lindsey," Angel watched as Lindsey jerked his head up and looked
at him, "you're doing it again."

"Doing what?"

"Thinking. I thought we had decided to *not* do that until tomorrow."

"No, Angel, *you* decided that." Lindsey smiled and walked over to
Angel and grabbed the towel at the vampire's waist and tugged on
it lightly. He could feel the head of Angel's cock with his
fingertips, and leaving his hand right where it was, he pulled Angel
over to the bed.

"Lindsey, we need to get something straight here."

"Oh yeah, Angel," Lindsey ran his thumb down the length of
Angel's hard cock and began nuzzling Angel's neck, licking
and nipping all the way up to his mouth. "Seems to me that
you're already straight *here*."

Angel grabbed the back of Lindsey's neck and pulled him away, so
he could think clearly. He looked into Lindsey's eyes, saw that
passion had darkened them to a deep, rich shade of blue *Dark blue
looks good on him. What I wouldn't give to keep him like this,
forever. Make him truly mine.*

Shaking off those thoughts he turned back to the problem at hand.
Which, at the moment, was Lindsey's hand stroking him, teasing
him, bringing him out to play. *He's gonna kill me at this rate.
But....he feels so damn good, his hand is so damn warm. Don't
really want this to end right now. But if he doesn't slow down,
he's liable to find himself face down on that bed, before
he's ready.*

Lindsey watched as Angel drew in a deep, ragged, unneeded breath.
He started to pull off the towel, but stopped when he felt Angel's
hand atop his own, halting his movements.

Angel saw the question in Lindsey's eyes and answered it before
Lindsey could say it aloud. "Just stop for a minute, please."

Not wanting to give Angel time to regroup, but rather wanting to
see the vampire lose control, Lindsey resumed his thumb stroking.
Rubbing his two fingers against Angel's now weeping cock allowed
Lindsey to lubricate the head and his fingers, working the foreskin,
so he could stroke Angel's full length from the inside of the towel
while his thumb worked Angel from the outside.

"Lindsey, dammit, you are going to kill me."

"Doubt that, but if you want to see how close we can get, well hell,
I'm on board."

"Fuck, Lindsey. I mean it! Stop for a second. Let me say this."

Lindsey stopped his ministrations to Angel's cock and just held
the vampire carefully in his hands. He looked up into Angel's
eyes. "Say what, Angel? Don't you want me?"

"Lindsey, I want you very much, but I don't want a repeat
performance of the earlier show. I don't want to hurt you again,
ever again. I was too rough and you didn't deserve that. I want
this -"

"What do you want, Angel?" Lindsey interrupted. "And just what do I
deserve? Tenderness, happiness……love? I never expected those
things, so for me to be without them is no loss. Personally, I
thought that you and I wanted the same thing."

"Which would be what, Lindsey?" *Why doesn't he think he deserves
those things? What makes him think that?*

"To no longer be alone, to be able to call someone home... no matter
where you are," Lindsey answered.

*So, Lindsey.....are you ready? Ready to come home....with me?*
Angel stared at the man before him and wanted to ask him to clarify
that remark but Lindsey's hands on his cock was making all
rational thought exit his brain and letting pure feeling enter.

Lindsey pulled the towel from around Angel's waist and let it
drop to the floor. He stepped back and just stared at the man.
"You know for a dead man, you are really hot. I wonder how many
more out there look like you, I may have to check that out."

"Over my dead body, Lindsey. No one, and I mean *no one*, dead
or alive, better ever see you this way. You're mine now."
Angel punctuated each phrase with a firm kiss.

"Hell Angel, the way I see it, you're already dead...so that
sorta makes that Over my dead body thing kinda null and void.
But…………" Lindsey swooped in and kissed Angel before the
vampire could utter a word of protest. "Let me finish…………
But right now, *You, Angel*, are the only person I want,
dead or alive."

*Holy shit, he's serious. He wants me, after all I've done.
This is....good....right? No....no, it's not....this is soooo not
good. It's too much, too soon. Isn't it? Oh shit, and Angelus
is right here, right under the surface of my skin. He wants Lindsey,
as much as I do. Oh, fuck. There's going to be blood shed here
tonight. I just hope I can make it my own. He needs to be warned.*

"Lindsey, you need to know something. Things might get a
little…………out of control here and that scares me. I don't-"

Lindsey put two fingers against Angel's lips to quiet the
vampire. "Angel, would you please shut up and fuck me?"

"Problem is that I don't want to fuck you, Linds. I want to make
love to you." Angel sucked Lindsey's fingers into his mouth,
laving each one thoroughly with his tongue.

Lindsey's eyes widened, his mouth dropped open and then closed as
if his words were stuck in his throat. *Oh, god. What's he saying?
Am I ready for that? Am I ready to become Angel's lover?*

Angel watched as a myriad of emotions flitted across Lindsey's
face. He saw shock, confusion, maybe a touch of happiness, and
excitement. And the smell…………the smell of Lindsey's
arousal nearly knocked him off his feet. He smiled at the young man
and placed his hands on Lindsey's shoulders and gently pushed him
down to the bed. "See Lindsey, it doesn't always have to be about
pain. *We* don't always have to be about pain. Yeah, I won't
deny that I enjoy pain and Angelus…………well, the more the
better. But *I* am a demon and *you* are not. Pain has its place,
it's just not here, not right now."

Angel crawled up Lindsey's body and straddled the young man and
leaned down to capture Lindsey's lips with his own. Still reeling
from Angel's announcement, Lindsey held himself still and
unresponsive. But when Angel's tongue gently probed along his
lips, seeking entrance, he relented with a sound that was part sigh
and part moan, opening his mouth in wordless invitation.

Angel took a moment to savor's Lindsey's scent, a musky,
woodsy, spicy smell that he knew every nuance of from past
encounters, then dove in for an even more intimate taste, slowly
mapping every nook and niche of Lindsey's mouth, tasting,
teasing, tempting.*I think I could get seriously addicted to
this....to him. Just kissing Lindsey makes me feel warm and
strangely comforted. I know I could do this for eternity.*

Angel's hands traveled over Lindsey's chest and abdomen,
touching him, caressing him, methodically arousing him. He didn't
think he'd ever be able to get enough of this man.*He feels so
unbelievably right beneath my hands. Could he really be the one?*
Angel began kissing and licking his way down Lindsey's body,
following the path his hands had just taken, his cool tongue leaving
a wet trail along warm smooth skin. He paused, looking back up at
Lindsey, "Think we can lose this now, don't you?"

Angel gently tugged open the towel still wrapped around the young
man's waist and watched as Lindsey's cock sprang free. He
watched his face as the blush appeared. Wondered how the man under
him could be so damn brazen and so damn innocent at the same time.
The combination of fire and ice was driving Angel insane. He could
see confusion in those blue eyes again, then Lindsey
whispered, "Angel, I...maybe we shouldn't do this. I....why are
you looking at me that way?"

"Because Lindsey McDonald, you are an enigma. You blow hot and
cold all at once, but you can't hide what your body is saying to
mine. I know just how aroused you are, Linds," Angel said.
He touched his hand to the young man's face, caressing it
softly. "You honestly don't want me to stop, do you?" *And
underneath your desire you're afraid. But not of me. No, never
me. I'm beginning to believe you're afraid of yourself.*

The gentle touch of the vampire chased away all lingering doubt
within Lindsey's mind. "No, I don't. I don't think
I've ever wanted anything in my whole life as badly as I want
you, Angel."

Chapter 11b

"Letting Go"

Angel smiled. "Just close your eyes, Lindsey," Angel softly
said. "Stop fighting yourself, don't think, just let yourself
feel."

Lindsey closed his eyes and gave himself over to the vampire,
enjoying the sensation of strong fingers stroking across his chest,
massaging taut muscles, soothing the tension away. He arched into
the touch, a small cry not unlike a sob escaping his lips when he
felt Angel's lips brush gently over the skin of his neck. Angel
noticed again the sensitivity of Lindsey's neck, but didn't
linger on the thought.

Angel took his time, exploring every inch of Lindsey's body with
fingers and tongue, tasting him, smelling him, learning him. He was
fascinated with the man underneath him and watch transfixed as
Lindsey's muscles rippled under his ministrations. Everywhere he
touched he felt hot, firm yet pliable skin, almost as if
Lindsey's body was made to mold itself in Angel's hands, around
Angel's body. *Mine. He's mine. Now, how do I convince him of that?*

Lindsey moaned quietly when Angel pushed his legs apart and settled
between his thighs. The heat of desire he felt was incredible. He
felt like he was truly on fire. And all the way down his body, he
felt little electric shocks where Angel's cool lips found his
overheated skin.

Lying almost flat between Lindsey's legs now, Angel gave himself
over to his senses of taste, touch, and smell. The scent of
Lindsey's arousal was like an aphrodisiac to the vampire. So much
so that he buried his nose in the light brown curls at the base of
Lindsey's cock and took a deep breath, enjoying the spicy, musky
fragrance. Then wrapping a hand around the warm shaft, Angel began
placing feather light kisses on the velvety skin.

Angel slowly ran his tongue around Lindsey's erection, and then
down and back up the length of his shaft. Lindsey softly moaned.
As he flicked his tongue over the head, teasing the slit and tasting
Lindsey's pre-cum, Angel felt fingers winding through his hair,
heard that husky voice utter a strangled *"Oh god....yes, please,
Angel."*. It had been so long since he had wanted to taste another
man so intimately, and he craved Lindsey with a passion that
surpassed anything he'd ever known.

With a small sigh, Angel took Lindsey's whole length into his
mouth. As he gently suckled on the young man's cock, he reached for
his balls and began fondling them, wanting to memorize the weight
and feel of them in his hand. Lindsey shivered as Angel's cool mouth
wrapped around him. He moaned softly and his breath became a little
ragged as he rocked up into the gentle sucking. *Feels good. Feels
so damn good.* "Angel," he whispered, "harder, please. Do it
harder."

Angel felt the change in Lindsey before he heard the words and knew
the man was close to coming. He released Lindsey from his mouth and
smiled when he heard more words, words of disappointment this time,
coming from the young man.

"Nononono......Don't stop, Angel......so close......please!"
Lindsey begged.

Angel, wrapping his hand around Lindsey's cock and stroking him,
leaned up and watched, mesmerized, at the young man underneath him.
Head back, body arched, hips moving in time with Angel's hand,
Lindsey had lost all inhibitions, and it was a sight to behold.
*He's fucking beautiful. I shouldn't be the one to see him
like this, I haven't earned it. But....here I am. What makes me
special? Who hurt him in the past? Darla?* Angel felt a fierce
protectiveness towards the man who was rapidly taking residence in
his heart and vowed that nothing, and no one would ever harm Lindsey
again. Angelus' growl of approval brought Angel back to the moment
at hand.

"Lindsey, do you have anything in that night stand there?" Angel
asked, motioning to the small table next to the bed, easily within
Lindsey's reach.

"Like what?" Lindsey softly answered.

"Lotion, lube, anything that might make this a little easier, less
painful, and a whole lot more enjoyable."

"Oh...yeah," Lindsey answered, a blush flooding his face once more.
Lindsey reached into the drawer and took out a small bottle of lube
and handed it to the vampire. Angel arched his eyebrow in question,
but didn't ask. Flipping open the bottle, he poured a small
amount into his palm, then placed the bottle off to the side, out of
the way, but still easily within reach. Angel leaned back down
between Lindsey's legs and took Lindsey's hot length into his cool
mouth once more.

"Oh shit, that feels good," Lindsey said, as his body arched into
the coldness that was burning him up. He wound his fingers into
Angel's hair once more, fighting the desire to push Angel's
mouth onto him harder. He wanted to slowly ride this out, but he
knew he wouldn't last much longer. It felt too damn good.

Angel continued to suck Lindsey's engorged shaft as he slowly
inserted a finger into Lindsey's passage, gently massaging to
stretch and relax him. When Lindsey didn't hesitate or shy away,
he slowly inserted another finger and he began pumping them in and
out slowly in rhythm with the movement of his mouth. A gasp of
delight from Lindsey when Angel stroked across that spot inside the
man that he knew was the prostate, urged Angel on. Stroking that
spot again, receiving yet another gasp and the fingers wrapped in
his hair began pushing him further down onto the cock in his mouth.

"Oh fuck, Angel." Lindsey hoarsely moaned, all his concentration on
the fire Angel had created with his mouth, and the shocks of
pleasure from the vampire's fingers inside Lindsey's body had him
hovering over the edge.

Angel licked the underside of Lindsey's shaft, then sucking him
back into his mouth; he inserted a third finger into the tight
passage and began growling low in his throat, creating a sensual
overload to Lindsey's body.

Lindsey yelled and fisted his hands in Angel's hair as he came,
his warm semen pouring out of him and into that greedily sucking
mouth. Angel swallowed it all and then licked Lindsey clean. Leaving
his fingers inside Lindsey, he let the young man's cock slip from
his mouth and looked up at him, smiling when his eyes met the dark
blue ones staring back at him in disbelief at what he'd just done.

"Holy Shit!" Lindsey said. *Damn! When he says he's gonna do
something, he fucking does it. Guess the phrase "safe sex"
doesn't mean much to a vampire, but....holy shit! Do you think he
knows I've never had anyone actually do that without a condom on
before? Judging from that sly grin....yeah, the fucker knows.
Holy shit!*

Angel's smile turned into a toothy grin. "Told you I'd have
you in me...one way or another." Angel moved up enough to kiss
Lindsey full on the mouth, sharing the taste of the young man with
him. Lindsey felt his whole body blush. Not giving Lindsey time to
recover, Angel began slowly moving his fingers inside the young
man's body, gently stroking the sensitive spot, taking him higher,
seducing him back to raw desire again. "I want you, Lindsey. I want
to be inside you. Do you want that, Linds? Do you want me inside
you?"

*Fuck, Angel, you already are. Can't you see that? You're in
my head, my heart, under my damn skin, you're everywhere.*
Lindsey's head screamed, none of it out loud. Noticing Angel had
quit moving his hand, Lindsey realized Angel actually wanted a
response from him, but the young man was afraid to say anything, in
fear of what he'd blurt out. So, he decided actions would speak
louder than words. Reaching over and grabbing the bottle of lube,
Lindsey poured some into his hand and took Angel's erection in his
hand. He ran his fingers lightly over Angel's cock, loving the feel
of satiny skin and throbbing hardness. Sliding back the foreskin he
massaged Angel's pre-cum into the